Prohibited Items

A draft proposal for a Royal Mail Leaflet

Things you can’t post include:
Prohibited drugs
Bank notes
(unless carefully forged)
Living creatures
(pigeons make their own way)

Matches, gunpowder,
Or other explosives,
Nothing flammable
and / or defamatory in word
(These items will be impounded)

Post nothing that may lead to war
Or to the conscription of men
Between the ages of 16 and 45.
(That’s been done before)

Don’t post anything that might
act as a defiance to gravity
and all that’s irretrievably precious
To your heart

But don’t post your heart
(However much you want to)
Send well wishes
And kisses instead
(as many as you think are necessary)

You cannot post the transcendental mind
The essence of Zen,
Or glimpses of Satori
(That will need to be self delivered)

Take care when posting words of kindness
Compassion and hope,
And all other varieties
Of a fragile human spirit
(These will be returned to sender)

Send flowers, chocolates, biscuits
Or small garments perhaps
A scarf,
Or poetry that
You know or believe
To be life-sustaining
Or anything that says
Darling, I’m always thinking
of you

(These will go express delivery)

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